which encourage rational understanding
Join us in consideration of these metaphors (current research indicates the use of metaphor activates both hemispheres of the brain toward richer conceptual understanding).
What about this name “Ortando”? What does it mean? Ortando is “the mixed up AD/HD/LD tornado.” Note the letters in tornado scrambled, icon of a tornado swirling about , Feeling Stars, Energy Spikes, and importantly a “D” near the top. This is representing the internal “Decider/self judgment” we all have. He/she who goes through life with great assets (often very powerful and energetic), but can tend to “blow out others’ birthday candles” (intrude where he/she is not invited and "mess up" social encounters). Ortando's icon represents what it FEELS LIKE to have AD/HD/LD. Indeed it may FEEL LIKE they are incapable or unworthy of achieving their hopes and dreams, or they may BELIEVE they will never fit in or be deemed alright. Troubled AD/HD/LD individuals may choose to abandon their dreams and “live lives of quiet desperation,” to paraphrase Winston Churchill. It doesn’t have to be that way.Ortandos, just like anyone else wish to fulfill their dreams. They may choose to ascend what Abraham Maslow called “The Hierarchy of Needs.” This conceptualization represents the pyramid of Human Needs and subsequent motivations. As each level is fulfilled individuals may strive toward the next. The first level consists of Biological and Psychological needs; second comes the need of Safety; third, are a sense of Belonging and Love; fourth, Achievement and Responsibility; and lastly Self Actualization, the need for Personal Growth and Fulfillment (Spirituality may be considered part of this Fulfillment). Ortando’s Way represents a method by which AD/HD/LD people may achieve Self Actualization, and with hard work make their rational dreams come true.What is the “Metaphork” symbol? It is an asymmetrical tuning fork, usually red, blue, green, or blue-green. The Metaphork represents how it feels to be different from others. Unlike Normals (95-97% of the population who do not experience AD/HD/LD) who possess symmetrical tuning forks that resonate readily with others, the Metaphork does not often resonate with Normals. Scientifically, if one takes a normal tuning fork and hits it with a mallet it will easily vibrate. Other symmetrical tuning forks in close proximity may also begin to resonate. A Metaphork will not resonate in such circumstances. However if you take two Metaphorks, turn them opposite, and unite them - they resonate; symbolic of two AD/HD/LD people easily relating with each other. AD/HD/LD people are painfully aware that they have difficulty resonating with Normals - as it has likely been pointed out in great detail during his/her lifetime. Emotionally, Ortandos' secret wish is that he/she will resonate with YOU!
Alas their Metaphork does not appear to have this capacity, and it quickly becomes interpreted as a deficit or defect. This is not true. Frequently when there is an interpersonal failure on the part of an Ortando, (i.e.: they have offended someone with their impulsive words) they hide these feelings of inadiquicy. Indeed, in the moment, they may appear to not have ANY FEELINGS AT ALL. This further lowers the opinion of the Normals toward the AD/HD/LD individual. To the Normals not only have they committed a social transgression, but they never seem to understand, acknowledge, or change their behavior.
A good way to conceptualize this is to assume that their emotions often function a quarter turn off of the emotions of others, it is like a clock that is 15min slow. Because of this they don't experience feelings at the same time as other people. AD/HD/LD individuals do not show the sadness of lingering rejection, negative assessment, and low self acceptance, under the same circumstances as Normals tend to. They frequently need to go and “think about it” as they likely have done most of their lives. It is often very painful and they tend to use logic to understand these confusing emotions. Ortandos will often go home after the party and sit for hours going over every misstep they made that night. They desperately try to understand so they can change and resonate with Normals. Sadly, they do not realize that the very thing they wish to change is who they are. They can mistakenly believe that if they “just had a symmetrical tuning fork” all would be forgiven. This is impossible because they were born with brains that experience AD/HD/LD. Since they are often blind to this fact anger, frustration, low self acceptance, and great sadness can ensue. The answer is Ortando’s Way: THEY CAN CHANGE THEIR MIND, rediscover their own Metaphork and accept and celebrate who they really are, just the way they are. Paradoxically, this tends to free Ortandos from the anxiety of anticipated failure andopens up their intuition. After such a realization it can become much easier to be successful in subsequent social encounters.If those who do not experience AD/HD/LD wish to understand, get along with, or even consider accepting us there is an old, emotion rich saying among the AD/HD/LD TRIBE as we sit around the uniting campfire: “If you accept us, all that we are, our flaws and our talents, we will die for you.” This is an emotional statement by design. Ortandos often have lived a life of rejection and interpersonal failure leading us to decide to have low self acceptance. If a Normal is willing to see past that, and choose to see us as we really are, we are often so moved that the ability to hyper-focus and be "over the top” then becomes set on loyalty. Loyalty to those who would risk such a positive assessment of us. Loyalty is often a most prized virtue of Ortandos. In other words, “we will die for you” because of your willingness to risk understanding us and validating our positive intentions.
For Ortandos themselves, part of the strategy for success includes: “joining the Tribe” and sitting around the metaphoric campfire with other emotionally intelligent Ortandos to learn “how to be.” Celebrating and reinforcing the superiority of our Metaphorks takes place. Yes, celebrate superiority? Non-AD/HD/LD Normals are at times offended, astonished, or even dismissive about AD/HD/LD Ortandos' claims of superiority (intuition, fast thinking, problem solving, and creativity). If one is to understand Ortandos, a decision to view this as tribal bonding and positive reinforcement for ones exceptional attributes, is necessary to do so. Normals tend to say: “Prove it!” Immediately the AD/HD/LD person's prefrontal cortex shuts down (see: Amen Clinic Brain S.P.E.C.T. Imaging) to such an extent that they can’t remember their own name, what the question was, and fail publicly once again.Listen and be guided to a better way: “If you test me now, I will likely lose. If you believe in me now I will prove it later, and we both win.” The message is, “Don’t put the AD/HD/LD person on the spot,” especially in public (i.e.: asking a dyslexic child to read out loud). If you can’t see your way clear to believe in them, at the very least choose to believe in their good intentions or that they are alright (they will intuitively sense this). They may just take a bullet for you some day for that belief.
Learning to prioritize and remember that which does not occur to the AD/HD/LD individual: What does this mean? Often individuals with AD/HD/LD experience difficulty with their school work, job duties, and relationships because they fail to remember, do, or say something that others take for granted. "The thing" simply never enters their mind and as such the important actions or socially expected words are not taken/left unspoken. A stereotypical example is when the AD/HD/LD husband forgets his wife's birthday or their anniversary. True enough, men tend to forget such occasions, yet for AD/HD/LD individuals it is a matter of degree (more intense or serious transgressions that occur more frequently and are of a longer duration). They also might forget to pick up the children after school, or to tell their wife that her best friend called and requested a return call. They may appear to be thoughtless; going to the store for something, but picking up everything except the important items they were sent there to get. Normals typically decide this means the AD/HD/LD person simply doesn't care enough to complete what is expected of them. Often the judgemet is carried further until it is concluded that a pattern of mistakes is representaive of the whole. The Normals finally decide that the AD/HD/LD person is aware of their reccurant mistakes and has willfully chosen NOT TO FIX HIM/HERSELF! It sounds logical. After all, hasn't this been happening for years, perhaps since childhood?
So what is the answer? First, the AD/HD/LD person needs to recognize that "things" don't occur to them as they do with other people, and that this is a pattern and a problem. Once something is framed as a problem (from the perspective of others) it can then be solved. Here is a strategy to solve such a problem: The AD/HD/LD person starts by slowing down and realizing that this pervasive behavior comes from thier own cognitive (thinking) style. Paradoxically AD/HD/LD people can not only be good problem solvers, but can be very skilled at creating systems that eliminate problems for good. The AD/HD/LD person can then choose to consciously create a mental system that is designed to increase the likelihood that important information will "occur" to them. Especailly at critical times when he/she needs such information. They should practive and try to get feedback about the effectiveness of the strategy. Modify the strategy accordingly until they no longer forget their required tasks, requested items, or important messages.
Here is one example of such a system: (Perhaps you have devised one of your own?) Before engaging in a task/assignment/social interaction: 1. Utilize a cue, a reminder, say to yourself "Think it through it's good for you!" with rehersal.
2. Ask: "On a scale of 1-10+, how important is it that I remember this expected thing/action? If it is above a 5 then follow a check-list to ensure you remember and the action. 3. Ask: "Did I think of everything?" as you leave the setting. 4. Ask others who are available whether they believe you have accomplished the goal. 5. Stop-look-listen (slow down) to the environment. 6. Play the steps out in your mind. 7. Recall a previous mistakes and the aversion to doing that again. 8. Ask: "Is this method of remembering working (over time)?" If so keep doing it that way. If not make some changes. 9. Reward youself when you are successful (you remembered the "thing/action"). 10. Lastly, it is ok to explain to the Normals (your spouse, boss, friend, co-worker, etc.) that your intentions are to do what is expected. It becomes their choice to decide whether to believe (in) you or not. It is wasted effort and energy to attempt to further persuade them with words. Actions seeking to meet their reasonable expectations are what truly matters. In other words, you must choose to solve this problem. It may be part of what is stopping you from successfully Self Actualizing.
Motivation and AD/HD/LD individuals: AD/HD/LD people can appear to others as lacking motivation (i.e.: failing to turn in homework, avoiding misunderstood tasks at work, etc.). Like anyone else, AD/HD/LD individuals can simply not want to do something...but if this has become a pattern consideration about the individual's strengths and barriers can reveal why, and help project fixes. For example, a teenager who "avoids and is unmotivated" in regards to their math homework (perhaps due to a mathematics learning disorder) may spend hours with their friends repairing cars and enjoy solving mechanical problems. Does it make sense to expect someone to do something (with enthusiasm and motivation) when they expect themselves to fail? It is natural to respond that: "Life isn't fair. Sometimes we have to do things we do not enjoy." True enough, and it may be required to pass basic math to graduate high school. The AD/HD/LD strategy (for this particular case) becomes: discover what it is about mechanics that is so reinforcing?; to what level of math can this person realistically succeed?; what part of their enjoyment of mechanics can be used to encourage that level of participation in math?; and lastly, perhaps some consideration should be taken for this person excelling in the study of mechanics for a future career. In other words, perhaps more than the Normal person, AD/HD/LD individuals are motivated to do that which they are good at and avoid that which they are not. Decisions of parents, supervisors, and of the AD/HD/LD person might be aided in remembering that motivation tends to follow knowing what needs to be achieved, how to achieve it, and having an expectation that one will be successful. AD/HD/LD people who are self aware, gravitate toward their strengths and away from their perceived weaknesses. It is wise to validate this kind of approach to motivation.
About reading: Individuals with AD/HD and those with LD often have difficulty processing information in the same was as Normals. It is important to note that not all AD/HD/LD people have trouble with reading, but many do. Reading, defined as deciphering visual symbols representing sounds in meaningful patterns in order to learn information, can be problematic for the AD/HD/LD person.
AD/HD people and reading: At first they easily decipher words; they will read from a few paragraphs to a page or two. Then their minds wander, or they become distracted and forget what they just read. This forces them to read it again if they are to get the information. The result is slow reading and frustration with the process. The exception comes when the information is fascinating or exciting to them. Then they may read page after page, imagining "being there" in their minds almost as if it were reality, and often reacting with annoyance if disturbed (once forced back to reality they may have to start all over again to regain the imaginary environment).
The LD person and reading: They may read along slowly as long as they recognize what the word looks like, but stumble at large or unrecognized words; either skipping over them, or assuming that they are mistaking them for similar words. They often miss-read common words like "the" and "to" which can drastically change the meaning of the material, thus leading to comprehension problems.
Mitigation Strategies: In either case, identification of the specific reading problem(s) and knowledge about their particular reading style is the first step to successful reading. LD individuals can have remedial training with phonetics and phonemic awareness. AD/HD individuals can learn to read fewer pages more often, or create a distraction free environment. The use of white noise in the background to help them concentrate can be very successful.
Accomodation would include: utilizing Books on Tape, which can now be found in MP3 or CD format. Both my son and I make extensive use of "listening to books" as our main strategy for gaining information. Nicholas LISTENED to virtually all his college textbooks at the University of Oregon with good success and understanding. I have several books of interest in my Jeep at all times. Whenever I am driving anywhere I put in a book on Neuro-science, Chinese history, personal growth, etc., to make efficient use of time. This is important because "reading" with one's ears takes longer than traditional reading, but it is a choice much more likely to succeed for the AD/HD/LD person. I remember the day my heart sunk. Nicholas was in 3rd grade and he said to me, "Dad, I don't really like books." I gulped back the lump in my throat and replied, "No son, you love books," as indeed he always had prior to reading more complicated material, "you just don't like to read. There is a difference". The concept stuck. To this day Nick is an avid "reader", though through the wonders of technology he is able to read anything he chooses by listening to it. A good resource for more information about listening to Books on Tape is the non-profit organization Reading for the Blind and Dyslexic. Today there are many other companies that also provide large catalogs of Books on Tape where one can find virtually any title in audio format.
Bottom line: The AD/HD/LD individual can experience difficulty getting information into his/her brain. Figure out which way works best to accomplish this fundamental task and the world's rich knowledge can be theirs for the listening.
A quick note about medication strategies: Try everything else first (like Ortando's Way)! If you still believe you or your AD/HD/LD person needs help (you or they are having trouble Self Actualizing) speak with your Physician or Mental Health Professional. Do research and be prepared to use the scientific method to resolve the remaining AD/HD/LD issues which appear to be limiting you.
AD/HD/LD bargaining: What is that? AD/HD/LD people often live lives of exceptional competence in several areas and exceptional incompetent in several other (often related) areas. Bargaining can be a great asset for the AD/HD/LD individual as there can be competencies that are virtually “out of their grasp”, or can only be attained with tremendous time consuming effort. My son Nicholas who experiences dyslexia for example can truly read anything… if you give him enough time. Yet how was he able to get through college without some sort of compensatory strategy as reading is considered a primary task associated with college success? I consider myself a reasonably competent and professional Therapist, yet I can become backlogged and occasionally distressed about organization and paperwork as these are my competency deficits. How is it that I am able to maintain a successful private practice and provide education and counseling presentations? One strategy is bargaining.
Here are some realities to keep in mind for understanding about successful bargaining. It’s likely true that many Normals have experienced from unthinking or “entitled” AD/HD/LD people, that their help is taken for granted, repeatedly with no recompense and they resent that (even having some choose to become Deciders. See below). There is also a bias generally of many that one must be competent in all parts of one’s occupation (even though this is often not the case) or their not competent at all. That’s like saying you’ve got to be a competent mechanic to be a competent bus driver. Likely not true.
“Normal” people ironically have no problem handing their auto mechanic (competent in mechanics) dollar bills in exchange for his skills applied to having their car repaired. But it is often viewed as “substandard, odd, or a crutch” if an AD/HD/LD coworker, perhaps skilled at sales asks the same Normal to help him organize the papers on his desk when he/she returns from the mechanics shop.
Therefore, if an AD/HD/LD person wants to bargain with a Normal for something that they are good at and the AD/HD/LD person is not, the bargain had better be equitable and agreed to ahead of time. And equitable means what the helping person agrees is equitable not what the AD/HD/LD person thinks is ok. And this “agreement/bargain” had better be revisited often as to the satisfaction of the helper.
An example could be that the AD/HD/LD individual is skilled at sales from the previous reference, and once agreed, can provide a dinner out, a monetary reward, or something else the Normal (competent in organization) has requested. This can at times simply be sincere appreciation and willingness to help that person when asked to do so. The message is: If you are going to engage in AD/HD/LD bargaining with Normals (or other AD/HD/LD people for that matter) find out what that person wants in the bargain, that it is equitable, and check in before and after as to their satisfaction about the exchange. This self-aware method helps to halt resentment and enlist allies for the AD/HD/LD individual.
AD/HD/LD and Socializing : AD/HD/LD individuals, at least theoretically and by reputation, however stereotypically, are rather infamous for not getting social cues, (especially as children) learning socially, and having boundary (or comfort zone if you prefer) awareness. The AD/HD/LD child can be the one on the playground, after spotting the 4 other children playing in the sandbox, trounce through the sand, stepping on the other kids mud pies asking: “hey.. what are you guys doing, I want to play, can I play? Can I use you bucket?
The unaware AD/HD/LD individual also can compound his/her problems as they also drag with them other socially clumsy peers, into the group, again transgressing the unspoken dynamics of the social group and having the group experience discord and provoking negative assessment about them. What happens to these children (adults)? Often they are ostracized, sent to the corner of the playground, perhaps friendless, the very resource which may provide training for them to learn how to be. So… as a result, they may then become rather under-socialized adults usually unaware as to why they are not acceptable to peers, sometimes for years.
As adults, AD/HD/LD individuals can perpetuate this under-socialized thinking and behavior, perhaps either resentful and angry, or sad and with low self-acceptance and choose to oscillate between intrusion and retreat from social situations. Ortando’s know all too well the profound sadness when others act as if they are not ok. They may courageously attempt again and again to “have a friend”, even may try to draft another person, “you are now my friend” with the risk of further rejection ever near. This is part of the emotional reason that in Ortando’s Way we say: Friends are like magic. Once Ortandos have figured out how to have (and keep) one, they are like magic to them. (It is alright to allow yourself to feel right now. In Ortando’s Way feeling is the road to healing and knowing how to be. It is alright and you are alright and we believe in you, right now.)
With Ortando’s way, part of the answer is to admit, acknowledge, be aware that this may be how we are and to understand that at least in part it is how our brain is wired not that we are less than others, stupid or have poor character. Then it is helpful to engage other AD/HD/LD adults with social acumen AND understanding of what it is like to have AD/HD/LD. Rather like the translator of a foreign language the AD/HD/LD tribe elder, can explain about how to understand social hidden rules and what function they serve in a logical way, and ideas about how to remain true to one’s own self (Ortando cannot make him/herself a symmetrical tuning fork) and experience successfully fulfilling interpersonal relationships. And importantly, that it is likely true that many Normals will not understand, accept or like you and that is ok. Sit down at the campfire of Ortando’s Way and listen to those who do and learn how to be.
Ortando’s Magic Wish : Oh, that someone would say: “It is alright. I am glad you did not hurt those others who were teasing you. You are a good person and you have courage and you are loyal. Let me tell you what you can say to those bullies next time to make fun of them back and here, let me show you how to defend yourself if someone tries to hurt you and I will help. I believe in you, I am proud of you. You can talk to me and I will help you. I am your friend”.
The Normals: non-AD/HD/LD people simply living their lives. For those of you who consider yourselves in this category there are several ideas that may aide your understanding and mutually benifit you and your AD/HD/LD co-worker, spouse, child, or friend.
For example, just because your friend tells you she/he has AD/HD/LD, doesn't mean that you have to accommodate them at your expense! In fact, it is a disservice to AD/HD/LD people to reinforce whining and manipulative behaviors. You do not for example have to "pick up the slack" of a co-worker, or repeatedly re-train them as they may request that you do.
AD/HD/LD individuals are susceptible to all of the problems of everyday people, including laziness and selfish manipulation. Just because they have AD/HD/LD doesn't mean they get away with it! Treat them like you would anyone else!
The AD/HD/LD person's ethical wish is that you understand that they, like the rest of us, have flaws and you still accept them as they are. They likely will respect reasonable boundaries that you set for assisting them...as long as those boundaries don't become a negative assessment leading from their behavior, to the belief that they are not alright. This healthy acceptance keeps Normals from building resentment toward the AD/HD/LD person.
Importantly for Ortandos reading this: Remember if you have some deficit, (difficulty with paperwork; forgetfulness; learning struggles) and you respectfully request a Normal to assist you, you have created an obligation to that person, spouse, co-worker, or friend. YOU OWE THEM! Figure out what you do well and reward them as you are able to thank them for going above and beyond the call of duty FOR YOU!
In my case, I tend to offer to do task for others that are unrelated to what they have helped me accomplish. For example as I struggle with paperwork details and others decide to assist me I provide them with treats, cakes, massages, and accolades about them to others. When my wife carefully tracks the checkbook and finances, I pitch in with household chores and gardening tasks as she requests. True, this is an imperfect exchange, and the wise Ortando checks in with their benefactor as to their satisfaction with this bargaining tactic. The critical outcome sought after by the AD/HD/LD person is to perhaps get the support requested WITHOUT CREATING RESENTMENT on the part of the Normal person assisting them. We don't want Normals to choose to become Deciders (see below)!
The Deciders: The Deciders are Normals who have chosen/DECIDED to reject those who do not have proper tuning forks (people with AD/HD/LD). It is my opinion that many Deciders have experienced resentment or anger toward the percieved misdeeds of AD/HD/LD people they have encountered in their lives. They may see Ortandos as "having an excuse" and not being held as accountable as they have been. At times they are soooo right! It is also possible that some Deciders may simply be hard wired in their neurology to be judgmental, or that they are otherwise predisposed toward negativity. It is for most Ortandos a sincere wish that Deciders simply change their minds, be Normals, and accept us as we are.
In our metaphor system Deciders wear letterman jackets with a letter “D”. They have to earn their status as Deciders by repeatedly "deciding" that others are not okay; to repeatedly “Rule Them Out”. They actively exclude AD/HD/LD individuals and relegate them to the corner of the playground, away from the water cooler, and away from the possibility to learn how to be alright and cultivate friendships. If you look closely however, even Deciders have small tornados (Ortandos) embroidered on their jackets. We all experience at some time AD/HD/LD traits and resultant problems. Ironically, it seems there lives both dark and light in all of us. AD/HD/LD people have often been the target of Deciders and may choose to be a combination of sad and angry toward their excluding and judgmental behavior. Most Ortandos learn to avoid Deciders but there are circumstances where that choice is unavoiable (read further).
Do you want to know if you've chosen to be a Decider?
If so, ask yourself: Do I find myself irritated when interacting with AD/HD/LD individuals generally? Does this website seem like it excuses poor character or blames deficits on AD/HD/LD problems rather than the real problem (they are lazy, crazy, or stupid)? Do I think AD/HD/LD people get away with things just because they have it? Do I think that I will have to work harder, be inconvenienced, generally not want to be with AD/HD/LD individuals because of their attitude and behaviors? Do I find myself pre-judging AD/HD/LD people including those I don't know have AD/HD/LD but who act like people described on this website? Do I tend for some reason to have conflicts with these people? If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you can Decide what that means.
In regards to conflict with an Ortando: Most AD/HD/LD individuals will likely choose to feel hurt and withdraw from contact with Deciders. They simply learn to avoid situations where they feel that they put their "soul" at risk. However, make no mistake, in some circumstances and with some Ortando's, THE DECIDER WILL BE CALLED OUT! If the offense has been repeated, in public, or is cruel enough, Ortandos will often be all too willing to pick a fight right back at ya! REMEMBER, Ortandos have likely been rejected and criticized their whole lives. Today's failure has an emotional root that sinks deep, and if the Decider points this out, there may be trouble. AD/HD/LD people tend to have a wide repertoire of emotionally charged behaviors including: unrelenting argument, out-smarting the Decider publicly (with nothing to lose, they have no reason to draw back), passive aggression, sarcasm, ad hominem attack, using their intuition to expose your inner most defenses without permission (don't believe me? Ok.) and flat out anger in all its manifestations (use your imagination). It's unfortunate that such lose/lose circumstances can often be avoided with the right decisions.
If your conclusion is yes, "I'm a Decider" and that works in your life, then from a CBT standpoint there is no compelling reason for you to decide to change. If you are struggling with the AD/HD/LD individual(s) in your life, experiencing frustration, conflict, and ultimately failing to Self Actualize, here is a Decider's redemption: CHANGE YOUR MIND. In your own enlightened self interest (see: John Stewart Mill) give them a chance; accept them as they truly are. That AD/HD/LD spouse, friend, co-worker, child that you had previously "Ruled Out", might just surprise you. The AD/HD/LD person in your life that you care enough about to read this might just end their conflict with you, demonstrate their competence right when YOU need it, or even someday, take a bullet for you!
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